The (Bamboo) Forest for the Trees

What you see is a silverware drawer, organized. But it is much much more....

I have had these organizers, in a box in my pantry since August 2014. Still had the receipt taped to it. Bought them on sale at my work. And there they sat for the longest time....why?  Not because I didn't have time, but because I did not think I was worth having them. So they did not see the light of day for 16 months.

So why now?  After all this time?




Life has been very challenging lately.  I help a lot of people in my life -- that's me, that's what I do. From my kids to my spouse, to people at church, to teachers and community causes.  I. HELP. It's actually engrained in my nature. I am a friend to and friendly with pretty much everyone I meet. Sadly, the world does not see things half-full, always cheery or friendly.... and people who you are there for, both literally and figuratively, become sylph-like and silent when you need them.

(Editors note:  I have written the following few paragraphs, in their entirety, like umpteen times.  It's too real.  Like the words hurt. Nothing ventured, nothing gained...) I have settled.  I DO settle.  I shouldn't, but that's where I have put myself.  Settled but uncomfortable in my own skin. Those darned organizers sat, taunting me from the depths of my pantry -- cursing boxes of macaroni and #10 cans of food storage -- because I settled. 

Many many years ago, as a newlywed, I separated myself from my circle of friends because I thought that's what you do.  To be a good wife and mother, you settle -- and give up people and things that matter to create (hopefully) new things and people that matter. I quickly found out that wasn't the case. Sure, I had that circle of church and "mommy" friends that came and went, depending on my kids' activities, church calling or people assigned to visit me....but as soon as that activity, calling or assignment disappeared, so did they. I began to wonder why I wasn't worth the time anymore from some of these people, but I kind of shook it off.  I was busy, and so was everyone else. Sigh. Time went on.... and I busied myself with life's busy-ness. Alone. Settled.

Family -- not really as tight as I would like it, but hey, everyone's busy, right?  Outside activities, like plays and performing -- well, maybe I am not quite their caliber, or age, or...well...Teach me to be better? No....Or, hey, maybe you'd like some help with that? No....Well, maybe we can do lunch this week...next month... over the summer....maybe, if you have time? No? Well, OK, everyone is kind of busy.  I'll just be quiet over here. Settle.

Work. Friends. Family. Church. It's all the same, lately. I settled and now I am NOT settled. Unsettled is more like it. I look back at the nearly 48 years on this planet and wonder how I got to this point. I did what I was supposed to, after all--I was an obedient child, Girl Scout, good grades, Honor Society, beauty queen, choir member, joined a church, graduated honors (twice), married in the temple, had kids, community service, teacher, steady job/jobs, church callings, donate to charity, perform on stage/ in plays/at church, friend to pretty much everyone......shh.  Do you hear that? It's the sound of silence. And it's louder than I could have ever imagined.

Somewhere along life's journey, I decided to make myself into what others wanted me to be, or supposed me to be. I found joy in helping others, attempting to better myself along the way.  I worked tirelessly for causes near and dear to me, and some near and dear to others. But these past few years have caused me to look back and take some serious inventory on my life.  I wrote about taking inventory some time back -- looking at what life gave you, how you dealt with it, and moving forward in a positive manner.  I think I have settled for so long I am not sure what "move forward" or "positive manner" even mean anymore. Where were those I helped when I needed help? 

Our little family has had it's share of challenges in the past decade--from multiple health issues and job stress to teacher troubles and bullying, crises of faith and of friendship, and the usual money, love, and life stuff that everyone has.  Right now the big scare facing us is my daughter's current unknown health condition. No diagnosis and worsening symptoms, having to leave school and pretty much society as she knows it, multiple doctor appointments, testing, and lots of sleepless nights surfing WebMd and scaring the hell out of myself. Most of her friends at school and church seem to have abandoned her, or ridicule her issues. Some of her teachers have been cruel and challenge her absences as selfish and symptoms self-imagined, if you can even imagine such a thing. Hence her change to online school -- where her loss of handwriting ability is also not an issue and she can rest when she needs. She does well there, but is so so alone in dealing with all of this, at fifteen -- where she should be creating a path to her own destinies and building friendships and memories to last a lifetime. She has gone from performing on stages in front of thousands of people to feeling so uncomfortable in her own skin that she rarely leaves the house. I feel myself crumbling every day under the weight of just her illness alone....and mostly alone is how I pretty much have dealt with it.

I have been alone on a lot of these journeys.  I look back and wonder how that choice was made -- and how I became "not worth it" to so many people. Was it the challenges themselves? Was it my vocal nature, to not sit idly by and be overwhelmed? Was it my nature to stand up for people being mistreated and taking the hits instead? Was I TOO self-sufficient, that people thought I didn't need (or want) and help muddling through? I am still not sure, but I am really tired of flying solo.

Even my husband has settled, I think. For a wife who isn't worth enough to the world, or even to him. Our dates and fun times are few and far between right now, replaced instead by responsibilities, worries, and mutual meh.  Is this what 27 years gets you?

He deserves better. So do I.

So this week, I am on vacation from the salt mines.  While tidying up around the house and getting ready to remove the Christmas decor, I came across these organizers in the back of the pantry. I stared at them.  They stared back, with all their shiny, bamboo-in-a-box sassiness they could muster. I lowered my head and they still stared. Curse you bamboo beauties. I can't explain the moment something changed, but it did. I about killed myself getting the box out of the pantry and ripping it open, splaying that bamboo bare for the world to see. I momentarily laid waste to my kitchen, destroying my already destroyed utensil drawers and tossing things that no longer made me happy. In the space of about an hour....they were there. Beautiful.  I took that picture above to commemorate the moment.  Just me and my bamboo....

And in that moment I realized something.  My life was a wreck because I allowed it to be, because I felt I didn't deserve nice things. My messy house.  My relationships (or lack thereof) with people. My meh marriage. My feeling of going nowhere and doing nothing with my life. My wanting to make a difference to the world and the world seeming indifferent to me. Maybe that's why my friends have been few and fleeting, or have moved on and away. Because my countenance was telling them they were not worth it to me.....

So 2016 is hopefully, surely, going to be a path to somewhere new for me. Sure, some of the stuff is out of my control, but I am still in the driver's seat on this tour of life.  It's either that or drive the bus off a cliff, which solves no problems and creates a big mess....

I want to be a writer and publish, so I am taking classes starting in January.

I (still) want to serve others, so I am becoming more involved in my community & church.

I want to travel, with and without my family, so I am looking at options/brochures.

I want positive relationships in my life with my husband, kids, family, and friends.  

I need to spend more time with my parents and inlaws because none of us are getting any younger.

I want a better body (that may take more work than just 2016), so my pantry is getting blown up and my butt is headed to boot camp.

I want (and deserve) a nice house with beautiful things, so I am de-cluttering and creating comforting spaces that surround me with joy and beauty.

I want a cure for my daughter, so I am searching the best options, being a medical pest regarding tests and referrals, and WebMd and its scary diagnoses be damned.  I pray daily for her to be surrounded and lifted up by good friends who make her smile.

I want and need and deserve a better, long-lasting relationship with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  I want to be a better representation of his gospel to others, and bring people to know what I know--that our church is true.  So I am heading to the temple more often to renew my covenants with my Father and strengthen my family.

I deserve to be surrounded by people who think I matter, so my FaceBook friend list may get smaller and I will find ways to tell people how much they mean to me, or how they have hurt me, or how much I want to learn from them -- so we can move forward on our journey, either together or separately. 

I deserve ME time sometime, and I am not going to feel guilty about that anymore when I take it. 

I want REAL friends in my life, where we do fun things and have adventures.  Friends who don't leave when the script changes. Friends who forgive me for settling and are willing to pickup where we left off.  Friends who promise to hug me till all my broken pieces stick together and kick my rear when I need it. Shiny new bamboo friends. Any takers? (obviously I have settled for so long I don't even know where to start on this one....)

Do you have room in your life for a new/renewed friendship? 

I want lunches, phone calls, performing opportunities, volunteer work, time to get to know people, new and old --  and time to forget who I am...or was. 

Time to become someone to be proud of, someone who doesn't think they have to settle to fit in or survive. 

Thanks, my beautiful bamboo. You are my first new friend of 2016. Sorry I took so long.