Ask and Ye Shall Receive...

You know, as I go through FB this morning, I am kinda lost.  I see LOTS of people that I have had experience with (some thru association only, mind you) as being the most judgmental, unkind people getting high-fived all over the place. On the flip side, I see people who have some of the kindest hearts and giving souls going through some of the most miserable stuff life has to offer.  I am a giving, kind soul myself, but with the "curse" of a very strong, outspoken personality.  I salute the elephant in the room when others would rather ignore it.  Heck, I even name it and feed it peanuts.  I stand up for those who are being hurt, often becoming the new target for their attacker. Apparently people would rather mistreat others and believe gossip than look at the truth standing right in front of them.  I can't do it all, but I will be the best friend you will ever ask for with what I am physically and emotionally able to offer.  It doesn't make me perfect, but it does make me human.  And deserving of better treatment than I have gotten at times in life, that's for sure.

So, other than accepting an invitation to my pity party (if you RSVP, bring chocolate, diet Pepsi, or chips and salsa), what else do you think I want out of all this?  Maybe to be heard. Understood. For once.

Recently, I experienced a resurgence in a long-dead pasttime: stage performance.  Within the space of one year, I was cast in three stage shows, a full-blown production at a hotel, and a premiere of a new musical as a choral reading in a really eclectic setting.  In a year's time...after being "out of the loop" for nearly 25 years. It was exhilarating to meet all of these creative, talented people and just learn at their feet.  To say I was a sponge would be an understatement. But the second the stage lights went down, I was...well, a little miffed.  I don't claim to be of the same caliber or class as these people, but I truly have thought of some of them as great new friends and examples. As they have gotten other roles and callings, I have gone to support them, even in times where I had tried to get cast and didn't.  I see them doing amazing things, but when I ask where they are finding auditions and opportunities, a crazy thing happens...I hear a slamming door. And I am not so sure the sound is just in my head.

The theatre/performing community in our town is quite small, and seems to have better guarded secrets than Fort Knox.  During my short, wonderful foray into their world, I learned so much.  I wanted to (and still want to) learn so much more. But as far as getting feedback for improvement or leads on other roles, this newbie was...well...no longer welcome.  I sent several emails to directors and fellow actors requesting feedback, begging for brutally honest ways I could improve myself. I offered to take people to lunch. I offered my services to fold programs, usher, iron costumes, etc. -- but was kinda told in no uncertain terms (through spoken words or just plain ignorance) that my help was not really "good enough".  The implied response was always "we have OUR people". There seems to be an inner circle in the theatre community, where if you are not already part of it, closely connected to someone in it, have money to finance it, or just legitimately INSANELY talented, there isn't room for you.  In ANY respect.

Now mind you, before you interpret any of this as sour grapes, I have no delusions of grandeur.  I am not rich, have no connections (obviously), and I don't consider myself insanely talented -- but I obviously have some skills or I would not have been cast in anything. Especially with my limited experience and advanced age. That being said, I am not looking to be handed a lead role (nor do I want one at this point).  I am using this experience as a case study for so many other things in my life that seem to have been "directed" (stage pun intended) more by what people have THOUGHT of me or HEARD in gossip ABOUT me than what I ACTUALLY am. And that really burns my biscuits.

People are wondrous beings, capable of so many things.  Cures for disease. Entertainment. Life-changing lessons. Gifts of every shape, size and color. However, our species has an ability that the rest of the animal kingdom really does not -- to FEEL. And cause other people to feel. And to purposely cause other living souls to feel pain --physical or emotional -- to make one person socially superior over another. Now, don't get me wrong -- judging definitely has its place, like in bake-offs or beauty contests. But in those circumstances you SIGN UP for the judging. You check a box (or a series of boxes) that says, "yes, I don't mind being compared to other people for the sake of determining that one of us here on this day, in this hour, is better than the other". CHECK. But in life, no one signs up to be judged for their actions on a daily basis.  Imagine, if you will, a life where every action, every move you make is critiqued and judged by people with no authority or talent better than yours. You probably would never get out of bed...but it happens. More than you think.

The other problem with society's blatant disregard for the Golden Rule is not the fact it has been discarded like trash -- but the fact that a lot of us humans seem to have rewritten it instead.  Like treating people differently because they are new to a group, class, or workplace. Keeping people out of the loop on things just because they have different opinions. Deciding, as a group, to attack others based on a group override of moral behavior. Or even worse, spreading lies and gossip about others or believing lies and gossip about others without stopping to actually read, speak, learn, or listen to the truth. Even when the truth is right in front of them.

I think most people are afraid of the truth. I am not, and maybe that's why people are afraid of me. I would much rather have you tell me to my face what you think, what you hate, what I did, or what you think I did, then gossip about it to a dozen other people and have a whole group of people hating on me for a bogus reason.  At least if you get the raw, ugly truth out in the open, we can deal with it like human beings are SUPPOSED to -- by working things out. That's what real friends do...they talk. TO each other, not ABOUT each other. and they teach their kids to do the same. If it is so simple, then why are we all still acting like we are on the playground choosing sides? Aren't we all supposed to be on the same team?

Politics and religion are two of the things that we are told early on in life that we should never discuss in public if we want to have any friends.  People take sides, arguments get started, friendships dissolve, rumors abound, cars get keyed, police are called....WAIT. STOP. Really?! Yes, really, people.  Some of the most disturbing events on this planet started with a simple difference of opinion. Someone's decision that they were better than another. Think about it....

The Holocaust was one of the largest atrocities mankind ever created. YES, created. A whole society of people brought into one madman's delusion that a group of people was somehow "less than" because of their religion and/or nationality.  That society lifted up a leader who on the surface was charismatic and seemed to have a good message...at the time.  By the time that society realized the message was corrupt, it was pretty much too late. An entire nation and its morals were lost, and it took outside forces to rectify the problem.  Once that leader was gone and the eyes of the world were upon them, only then could the healing and change begin to happen.  Sadly, some people who have familial ties to this event either refuse to acknowledge its existence (horrifying) or base their entire being upon it (sad). History is only condemned to repeat itself IF WE LET IT.

This pic is actually from the movie promo for "The Boy in the Striped Pajamas"

...but it illustrates my point below.

A select group of people on both sides of this event, both German and Jew, have come together as human beings and educate today's youth about the Holocaust.  Some programs have the two opposing forces sitting side by side, discussing what happened.  Forgiveness, at least between those two individuals, for a long-past (albeit horrific) event, has taught more than any history book ever did. At that moment, there are two human beings on stage.  Not German or Czech.  Not Christian or Jew. Just. Humans.

The religion I happen to practice has us address each other as Brother and Sister, as a nod to our premortal life where we were all related to our Creator....as human beings on this planet, whatever religion or theory you subscribe to, we should be treating people as such.  Sibling rivalries and pranks aside, would you purposely hurt or defame someone you call Sister? Brother? I would hope not, and I think the world would be a better place if we thought about one another in this way.

Dr. Seuss had a story about some really interesting bird-like creatures called the Sneetches.  In this tale, there are Sneetches with stars on their bellies who have decided that they are better than the Sneetches without:

Now, the Star-Bellied Sneetches had bellies with stars.
The Plain-Belly Sneetches had none upon thars.
Those stars weren’t so big. They were really so small.
You might think such a thing wouldn’t matter at all.

But, because they had stars, all the Star-Belly Sneetches
Would brag, “We’re the best kind of Sneetch on the beaches.”
With their snoots in the air, they would sniff and they’d snort
“We’ll have nothing to do with the Plain-Belly sort!”
And, whenever they met some, when they were out walking,
They’d hike right on past them without even talking.

When the Star-Belly children went out to play ball,
Could a Plain Belly get in the game? Not at all.
You only could play if your bellies had stars
And the Plain-Belly children had none upon thars.
 

Sound kind of familiar?  I bet all of us has some kind of experience to relate to this.  A time when you have been made to feel "less than", and often through no fault of your own.  It would have been different if maybe the Plain Bellies had offended, or had a reason to apologize, but noooo....the Star Bellies had decided they were better just because of what? A birthmark? Or in society -- a better house? Higher salary? Better body? New car? And not only did they decide they were better...they got their children involved in the game of "less than". This burns my biscuits.

Children, up to a certain age, believe what they are told.  It is only when they reach a certain developmental plateau that they decide, for themselves, what to believe and why it is so.  However...if you tell anyone, especially a child, that they are _____________ for ______________ reason enough times, they are going to grow up believing it.  And the consequences for those not strong enough to break the cycle are devastating.

Continuing the tale of the Sneetches...an entrepreneur comes to town, sees the mayhem, and sees a quick buck to be made:

Then ONE day, it seems while the Plain-Belly Sneetches
Were moping and doping alone on the beaches,
Just sitting there wishing their bellies had stars,
A stranger zipped up in the strangest of cars!

“My friends”, he announced in a voice clear and clean,
“My name is Sylvester McMonkey McBean.
And I’ve heard of Your troubles. I’ve heard you’re unhappy.
But I can fix that, I’m the Fix-It-Up Chappie.

I’ve come here to help you. I have what you need.
And my prices are low. And I work with great speed.
And my work is 100% guaranteed!”
Then, quickly, Sylvester McMonkey McBean
Put together a very peculiar machine. 

 

 And he said, “You want stars like a Star-Belly Sneetch?
My friends, you can have them for three dollars each!”
“Just pay me your money and hop right aboard!”
So they clambered inside. Then the big machine roared.
And it klonked. And it bonked. And it jerked. And it berked.
And it bopped them about. But the thing really worked!
When the Plain-Belly Sneetches popped out, they had stars!
They actually did. They had stars upon thars!

So now what? Everyone is the same right? End of story?   Not so much.  The snooty "original" star bellies were upset that they couldn't play the "less than" game any more.  McBean, again, saw a buck to be made and allowed them to go through his machine and have their stars REMOVED -- for a higher fee, of course.  This parade of vanity goes on for awhile, stars on and off and back on again (the video is pretty funny if you Google it), with the original snobs still trying to find ways to play the "less than" game and the original plain bellies -- who are now invested in the "keep up with the Joneses" game -- just trying to fit in.  Now what?  Read on:

Changing their stars every minute or two. They kept paying money.
They kept running through until the Plain nor the Star-Bellies knew
Whether this one was that one or that one was this one. Or which one
Was what one or what one was who.

Then, when every last cent of their money was spent,
The Fix-It-Up Chappie packed up. And he went.
And he laughed as he drove In his car up the beach,
“They never will learn. No. You can’t Teach a Sneetch!”

But McBean was quite wrong. I’m quite happy to say.
That the Sneetches got really quite smart on that day.
The day they decided that Sneetches are Sneetches.
And no kind of Sneetch is the best on the beaches.
That day, all the Sneetches forgot about stars and whether
They had one, or not, upon thars.

At the end of the day on that star-studded beach, no one knew or cared who was the "original".  They couldn't tell.  And that day, poor and broke dollar-wise, the Sneetches truly became rich.  Rich in the knowledge that no one is better than anyone else.  That we are inherently all the same...but different.  And that's OK.

Society (and we are part of that, for better or worse) has told us it's NOT OK.  All sorts of businesses and groups have popped up along the way to cater to those who feel "less than" and those who make people feel "less than".  From innocuous professions as plastic surgeons (kind of like McMonkey McBean, don't you think?) to the more outright, in your face predators like Westboro Baptist Church, society is full of people, places, and things that will gladly take your money, your sanity, and your self-respect all in the name of fitting in. Whatever that's worth.

(Before I get lynched by plastic surgeons, let me digress a minute -- you do wonderful work, don't get me wrong. From fixing congential defects to recreating body parts lost to cancer or other disease, you work miracles worthy of the Master himself.  I am talking about the "McBeans" of your profession that perpetuate the myth that people are not good enough just the way they are, so they need enlargements and tucks and additions and subtractions. If you are not a "McBean", don't get your knickers in a twist.....) If society did not create the horrible game of "less than", there wouldn't be so many in your office for the "stars on thars" types of procedures. 

Now Westboro and their ilk, that's entirely another story.  We as a society with the rules we have created to govern ourselves ALLOW them to exist in the name of free speech, even hate speech. They protest all sorts of things in the name of some alternative lifestyle they profess to hate so much. Funerals of soldiers and children.  Public patriotic events.  Solemn assemblies celebrating national tragedies.  All of which have nothing to do with being homosexual. Or being a church for that matter. But they too, are Sneetches who have decided that because you love differently than they do, you are considerably "less than". And they think the whole world should have to hear their hate. Which burns my biscuits even more. I'd like to put those people in some kind of a machine of my own whenever I hear of their protests, because there really is not a reason for that kind of hate against anyone.

So....you don't love like I do? Great -- but you still love and that's a blessing.  You don't believe in my God? That's OK -- we can still pray for and bless each other with our friendship.  Your skin is a different color? Guess what -- you are gorgeous and so am I! Fat, thin, religious, not, rich, poor, homeless, handicapped, working, retired, Democrat, Republican, old, young, star-bellied, plain-bellied -- blah blah blah -- whatever star you display on your belly SHOULDN'T  MATTER to any of us. Only kindness and love matter.  Only the simple facts. Like mine, for instance....

The fact that I don't share the same religion or politics you do does NOT mean I love you any less.  Or want you to love or vote against your being. Ask me, I'll tell you.

The fact that I am not afraid to tell you the truth should earn me your friendship, not banish me to the Isle of Misfit Toys.  I think you're worth the truth because you matter. And if you ignore that elephant in the room, he'll eventually sit on you.

The fact that while I may not be the best actress in the world, the fact that I enjoy it and am interested in your star qualities and talent should be reason enough to let me have a window to your world. Even just to clean it once in awhile.  I want to learn, not steal your limelight.

The fact that although I am insanely busy but willing to give you the little free time I do have should be enough.  Just enough and nothing more.

The fact that while I may look like a strong person on the outside, on the inside, I am just a girl who wants to be loved and respected. And hates to be judged unfairly or gossiped about. Or labeled. I'm not a b**** and I dislike people giving me that label.  Or buying into what others say about me instead of asking me what the real scoop might be. Actually talk to me, and you will see what kind of person I really am. 

The fact that I offer you the Golden Rule with my friendship should earn me the same respect. And not just when your other, more "starry" friends aren't looking....

The fact that you're even taking the time to read this means you matter. And you're listening.  And maybe that means we are on the way to less burnt biscuits. Yeah, I could DEFINITELY have "less" of those.

I Beg to Differ

     

I was in process of changing my banner picture on FaceBook when I came across this picture in my "saved" file. I had originally copied it from another friend's wall, placed there in reference to the latest political issue blowing up in the media (we have SO many lately I can't even remember which one). It hit me that this picture is a metaphor for the way I have lived my life so I decided to write about it.

          I was always kind of a different child. During my early school years, it was that "different" that made me stand out to teachers and get awards for my performance and creativity.   Different enough to get asked to do challenging or time-sensitive things, because people knew I could handle them. Different enough to speak up about the tough things when others were ignoring them like that silly 'ol elephant in the room. Oh, yeah -- and different that got me called out and beat up at lunch, made fun of mercilessly, and left sitting alone on the grassy hill at recess, wiping a mixture of dirt and tears from my thick coke-bottle lens glasses. Sometimes different was a blessing, other times a curse. I had a difficult time seeing that (even with the thick glasses) -- why my unusual gifts were at times a blessing and other times a burden so heavy I sometimes thought I couldn't go on carrying them. It has taken me YEARS to appreciate the fact the my "different" is what makes me ME. 

          From those who practice different religions to people with different cultures and customs, the world and its so-called "in the moment" definition of normal has always made it difficult to be different. Some people are blessed with thicker skin than others, making it easier to shield themselves from unkind comments and unwanted labels. My religion has always taught that although we are created in the image of our Maker, we are given our agency and our spirits are different. Wait...different?  So, my Heavenly Father, Creator of my spirit -- my spirit made in His image, says it is OK for me to be different? But you say it isn't. Now something's wrong with that.

          Take body image, for instance. Young women in today's society are often starving themselves to fit in with society's definition of beauty. Normal. Which is usually extremely thin.  Now, for some people given certain genetics, this IS their normal. Good for them. BUT...trying to make everyone fit into the same mold at the expense of their health and self esteem isn't good for anyone in the long run. Every woman reading this has probably been on some type of diet or another in their lifetime, or exercises like a maniac to justify eating a scoop of Haagen-Dazs. 

Guess what? 

In the '50s, Marilyn Monroe was the ideal of all hot-blooded men everywhere...and she was a size 12-14 by today's standards. 

 Crazy, right? That society over the last few years has decided that a healthy, beautiful, curvy woman is NOT the ideal. 

          On a side note, Monroe herself was so overwhelmed by society's obsession with her beauty and fame and how THEY thought she was supposed to be that she took her own life. She...Norma Jean Baker...was actually a pretty intuitive, forward-thinking, sensitive woman.  But society and the starmakers told her she was supposed to be a dumb blonde sex toy. No wonder she was always trying to self-medicate with drugs and alcohol, because she wasn't strong enough to run the other direction. Makes ya think, doesn't it?

          I always tell my daughter, "you can be bitter, or you can be better". She hates it when I say it, but I think it is sinking in. And it's true. I can do my best to treat others kindly, apologize when I have offended, credit others for their accomplishments, and work hard every day -- and if it isn't enough for someone else, that it THEIR problem. 

          I could go on and on with other examples, but it's all about the same. The issue is, what to do about it? It has taken me literally almost 45 years to come to terms with the fact I am different. That not everyone is going to like me. That I WILL get blamed for things that are not even remotely my fault, and often because of my differences. That people will talk about me behind my back rather than to my face because I don't fit their mold. That people choose to be my friend only when my differences suit them. I have spent WAY too long agonizing over why certain people don't allow me into their circle. It finally hit me a while back that just because they don't appreciate me the way I am, it does not matter. I need to appreciate ME for the way I am -- that I run the other way, speak up, get perceived as the crazy b**** because I am stronger than the masses. I don't have to be part of things to be a part of things. It's funny, because I would never in a million years treat people the way I have been treated at certain points in my life. And I am proud to say that is one of the many things that make me different. Because I won't become what society has thrown on me. And I run the other direction even if I am the only one on that path.

          I sometimes perm my hair when the rest of the fashion world says, be straight.  I speak up when the rest of the group whispers, be silent.  I dress conservatively though society says, hey, you have a great body...show some more skin. I leave my Sundays for church and family dinner when others say, but you're missing the party.  I will let you in on a little secret that a lot of people have not figured out yet. And it won't cost you a cent...

          When I come home at night, and it's quiet, I am alone with my thoughts for a brief period of time before I fall asleep.  This is after I have washed my face and brushed my teeth and had an opportunity to view my tired self in the mirror. Other than my husband of nearly 25 years sleeping soundly beside me, no one else is in the room. No one judging, no one accusing, no one speaking. And I have that final moment before I sleep to realize I am OK with myself despite what the world thinks of my effort. That I have pleased God with my actions. That I have made others happy. That I have stood up for those who couldn't find their voice. And if my inner voice whispers to me that I have failed in any of those categories, I vow to rise in the morning and make amends. You have to be OK with you, and if the world isn't, so be it. If you have offended people and they do not accept your apologies, so be it. That is on their karma platter, and you don't have to eat it. And it's taken 40+ years for me to learn that lesson. 

So... 

 

the next time you run into someone you haven't seen for awhile, take a moment and appreciate what makes them different.  Chances are, it's the quality that drew you to them in the first place...

        

  

  the next time you see something wrong happening right in front of you, make a choice to make a change. Don't just run with the herd....

   



   
     the next time someone judges, accuses, disrespects, labels, or ignores you, go ahead and stand your ground. Defend yourself if that's what it takes for you to be OK with yourself.  Then turn and walk away...

           



 the next time you wrong someone, apologize genuinely to their face.  If they don't accept it, write a letter if it makes you feel better. Then let it go. Holding onto a grudge is ugly, and you don't need that weighing you down. The herd that tells you otherwise is running in the wrong direction...

          Next time, beg to differ. The world needs you to stand up and stand out. There is too much grey and not enough color in this place. Thanks for listening.....:)

                   

         

         

         

What to do for an Owie that a Band-Aid Won't Fix.....

          It is difficult to tell a child who has been hurt REPEATEDLY by people who considered "friends" that these people are NOT behaving like friends. It is equally hard to NOT call up the parents of said friends and let them know how their children treat people...that they make them cry in public and leave them out of things, unless it benefits them in some way. It's like the popular kid form of bullying, and they think because it's in a group, that's OK. Happens at church and at school. Church makes me the saddest, I think.

My words to my child are to be better, not bitter -- and to find your own path and other people to walk with you that will be there even for the bumps in the road. My words to my child are that you are beautiful, talented, and gifted -- and they are probably just jealous (my mother's same words to me). I tell my child that popularity is fleeting and vain, but the world and these part time friends say otherwise.

It is hard when you have to take the first steps alone, though (been there done that). Sometimes I still feel like I am alone, but then I remember I chose that path a long time ago when people were treating me like my child is being treated. Sure, I did find some close friends along the way (and some fantastic new ones) -- but it took a long time. I really don't want that kind of misery for my child. It is hard enough that a child struggles with self esteem, but even more so when so-called "friends" think the child is only worth having around when other, more popular people are not there.

So what do I say to my child? We go for milkshakes. There is talking and crying and watching of favorite movies until we both fall asleep, physically and emotionally exhausted. There are memories flooding back to me of my lonely, sometimes tortured teen years and my gut-wrenching fear that my child is in for the same thing. I survived it somehow, but I must have blocked that out -- because when I see it happen to my beautiful, talented child I don't know what to do, or how to help.

I admonish all parents to watch your children. I watch mine like a hawk and always have because of the way I was treated when I was younger. I never wanted ANY of my kids to treat others badly. I have dragged a couple of mine by the ear in the "apology perp walk" stance to correct wrongs. Watch how they treat people. Don't be fooled by popularity and buy in to what the world tells you about them. It's NOT OK to make another human being cry and then laugh about it. That's not being popular -- it's being petty and vain. Maturity will sort out those people in its own time, but some of the people they have hurt along the way may not end up being strong enough to make it through to see it happen. I lost several friends in school that way, and I don't want that for my child OR yours -- on either side of the equation.

So, save the children. ALL of them.  Make room at the table for everyone, because you might be surprised who your "best friend" or your biggest fan will turn out to be. I know this mom would appreciate you thinking about that today.